⚠   LEAKED — DO NOT DISTRIBUTE — NORMIE CLASSIFICATION LEVEL: EXTREMELY NGMI   ⚠
NGMI
Top Secret // Crypto Sensitive
— The —
NORMIE
FILES

The leaked database of crypto normies, their crimes against finance, and why they'll never make it

CASE FILE NO: NRM-2024-001  |  CLASSIFICATION: NGMI  |  PAGES: CLASSIFIED

■ SUBJECT BOUGHT BTC AT $69K "FOR SAFETY" ■ NORMIE STILL ASKING "IS NOW A GOOD TIME?" ■ SUSPECT SOLD ETH TO BUY DOGE IN 2021 ■ SOURCE SAYS SUBJECT USES ROBINHOOD ■ OPERATIVE ASKED "WHAT'S A SEED PHRASE?" ■ TARGET STILL WAITING FOR THEIR BANK TO "OFFER CRYPTO" ■ AGENT REPORTED BUYING AT ALL-TIME HIGH "JUST TO TRY IT" ■ SUBJECT BOUGHT BTC AT $69K "FOR SAFETY" ■ NORMIE STILL ASKING "IS NOW A GOOD TIME?" ■ SUSPECT SOLD ETH TO BUY DOGE IN 2021 ■ SOURCE SAYS SUBJECT USES ROBINHOOD ■ OPERATIVE ASKED "WHAT'S A SEED PHRASE?" ■ TARGET STILL WAITING FOR THEIR BANK TO "OFFER CRYPTO" ■ AGENT REPORTED BUYING AT ALL-TIME HIGH "JUST TO TRY IT"

What they don't want you to know. The definitive leaked intelligence dossier on crypto normies: their behaviors, their crimes against common sense, and the irrefutable paper trail proving they will, in fact, never make it.

Section I — Classified Case Files
Classified
The ATH Buyer
Subject systematically waits for Bitcoin to reach all-time highs before purchasing "just a little bit to see what happens." Has bought exactly          times at peak. Sells at bottom. Repeats quarterly.
OPENED: EVERY BULL RUNSTATUS: RECURRING
Evidence
The "Safe" Exchange Hoarder
Refuses to self-custody. Believes Coinbase is "safer than a wallet." Has rehearsed the phrase "not your keys, not your coins" but still thinks it doesn't apply to them because they "trust"  . Uses 2FA via SMS.
OPENED: 2017, 2021STATUS: ONGOING
Classified
The Mainstream Media Trader
Purchasing decisions are directly correlated to front-page coverage. When   publishes a crypto article, subject buys within 48 hours. When negative article appears, sells everything. Portfolio is a perfect inverse of intelligence.
OPENED: ONGOINGSTATUS: NGMI
Redacted
The DCA Denier
Was told about Dollar Cost Averaging in 2020. Found it "too boring." Instead developed proprietary strategy based on   moon phases and Mercury retrograde. Strategy has underperformed DCA by  %.
OPENED: 2020STATUS: SEARCHING FOR NEW STRATEGY
Evidence
The Rugpull Survivor
Has been rugged 3 separate times. Currently invested in a project called  . When asked about due diligence, showed investigators a Telegram group with 200 members. The team is anonymous. The whitepaper is a Google Doc.
OPENED: ONGOINGSTATUS: DOING IT AGAIN
Classified
The "Just Waiting" HODLER
Bought at peak 2021. Still holding. Tells family "it'll come back." Has not looked at portfolio since  . Considers this a "long term strategy." Definition of long term is  . Refuses to touch it "until at least  ."
OPENED: NOV 2021STATUS: COPING

"I don't need a hardware wallet. My password is very strong. It has a capital letter and a number at the end."

— INTERCEPTED COMMUNICATION, SUBJECT NRM-002  |  DATE: REDACTED

"I'm not selling until I at least break even. I don't care if it takes 10 years. I'll just wait."

— INTERCEPTED COMMUNICATION, SUBJECT NRM-006  |  DATE: REDACTED

Section II — Known Suspects
Subject ID Known Alias Crime Against Finance Evidence Status
NRM-007 "The Explainer" Explains crypto at dinner parties. Uses the word "blockchain" without knowing what it means. 27 screenshots of price charts saved to Photos Active
NRM-008 "The Tax Avoider" Believes crypto is untraceable. Made 400 trades in 2021. Has not filed crypto taxes once. IRS correspondence, unopened Exposed
NRM-009 "The Telegram Prophet" Follows 12 paid signal groups. Combined accuracy rate: 23%. Pays $99/mo per group. 12 Telegram premium subscriptions Active
NRM-010 "The Seed Phrase Emailer" Screenshot of seed phrase saved to iCloud. Also emailed to self "for backup." Gmail sent folder, Exhibit 4-C Exposed
NRM-011 "The Gas Fee Ignorer" Tried to send $40 of ETH. Paid $80 in gas. Did not check gas before confirming. Did it again next week. Etherscan transaction history Unknown
NRM-012 "The 'Crypto is Dead' Cycler" Has declared crypto "dead" 6 times. Re-entered market after each declaration. Currently "out for good." Twitter/X post history, 2017-present Active
Section III — Field Notes

"I got into Shiba Inu because it was cheaper per coin than Bitcoin. You could buy millions of coins. That means more upside."

— FIELD AGENT REPORT NRM-013  |  LOCATION: FAMILY THANKSGIVING

DECLASSIFIED

Per Executive Order NRM-2024 • The Normie Files Archive